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How to be a Douchebag in BJJ

How to be a Douchebag in BJJ

Joe Rogan and Eddie Bravo talk often about there being a douchebag filter in BJJ. I believe this is somewhat true. For most people, Jiu jitsu is very humbling. Even Tap Out wearing meat-heads realize early on that failure is inescapable, that the ego must be contained, and that persistence and dedication are necessary for mastery of the art. This alone causes many to quit. No filter is perfect however and BJJ is no exception.

Here is a list of how to be a douchebag in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

Make sure it feels like you're fighting in the UFC when grappling

Better yet, grapple like your life depends on it. If you are unable to escape a position - SPAZ OUT! Grab, squeeze, crank, bend, kick, flail, scratch, buck, squirm. Do whatever you have to do. While spazzing out, be sure to hold your breath. Your opponent will think you’re crazy (at least until you gas out). Also;

Make sure you crank every submission as hard as you can. Especially heel hooks.

Use the can-opener to open the guard. Their neck can handle it.

Don’t use the knee-on-stomach. Use the knee-on-skull.

Shoulder pressure is too soft. Make sure to use the forearm in the throat and chin in the eye socket.

Crushing the nose or jaw is just as good a choke from back mount. In fact, it’s better because the pain last longer.

Power bomb your way out of submissions. Hulk Hogan style. If you're forced to tap, be sure to go even harder to get revenge.

Keep the intensity at 100%

It doesn't matter who you are training with:

White belt. Oh well. They need to get better.

Partner you outweigh by a hundred pounds. He should lift and get bigger.

Female. She needs to toughen up.

New guy trying it out. Fu#k him. You don’t know him.

Even if you're drilling a new technique, make sure to give them full resistance. Never let anyone tap you out. Besides, how can your partner ever know what it feels like to do it “live” if you're not fighting them during the technique?

Make sure everybody knows how good you are

Celebrate after every submisison (even if it's a noob). If you almost submit a higher rank, make sure you let everybody know. Be sure to walk around with an inflated sense of ego. There is no way possible they were helping you or letting you work. Make sure to inform your instructor. He probably doesn't know how good you are and that you deserved to be promoted.

Never miss class

Especially if you are feeling sick. Your team mates will understand. They really don’t care if they get sick. They can miss work. Paying their bills isn't as important as your training. Same thing if you have a skin-infection. Besides, ring worm looks cool if it's in the right places.

Don’t wash your gi

Ever. If you have to wash it, make sure you let your dog sleep on it before coming to class. If you don't have a dog, see if the neighbors have one.

Let everybody know how much you know

If you know a variation of the technique being taught, practice that one instead. Teach it to your drilling partner. They should learn the one you know and not the one the instructor is teaching. Even more importantly, if you know a counter to the technique being taught, be sure to show it right away. The instructor probably doesn't know it exists and is wasting everybody’s time teaching a technique that can be countered. If you're rolling with a lower rank, be sure to stop and correct every position, technique, grip, and movement they perform. Especially if you're a blue belt (or have a few stripes on your white). There’s a pretty good chance they came in just to do a private with you.

The term “leave your ego at the door” is thrown around in BJJ circles as a nice way of saying don't be a douchebag. The percentage of douchebags in BJJ is indeed much smaller than the general population. My personal experience has been nothing but extraordinary. I have met and trained with so many awesome people over the years and I am extremely fortunate these days to have an academy full of kick-ass people.

This list of “douchebaggery” is not exhaustive. Feel free to share any thing else that you feel needs to be filtered from the art in the comment section below.

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